The Single Guy Diary (Part One)

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I’m a 29-year-old Nigerian single guy stranded in the prison of Gynephobia.

There are so many weird things about me. For instance, I’m naturally ambidextrous (as in, I use both left and right hands equally); so uncommon.

Also, I hear people talk about their favorite this and that…I don’t have a favorite anything. Like asking me my favorite movie, color, food, blah blah…is what I can’t answer. Now it’s getting so not like human, I know.

At the risk of being called a jerk, I already feel shy to say that, I’m still a virgin. At 29? Yes! How can I when I can’t even walk up to one single girl with my sanity all intact?

Let me shock you with the weirdest of them all, I have two different types of hands. I mean, my right hand is a bit different from my left hand. Yes. I know it sounds unbelievable but that’s the truth.

Now I know I’m freaking you out. I don’t have any super-powers, not that I know, though sometimes I feel I’m an alien. But I’m just a normal guy with an abnormal fear of women, better worse, I don’t know why. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m still a virgin. My friends will tell me women are nothing…that the reason why I fear them is because I’ve not gotten intimate with any of them. Better still, I’ve never had sex; an eye opener as they call it.

I tried reasoning along that path but the problem isn’t the act as to how, in the first place, to walk up to a lady and ask her “hey, I want to have sex with you”. That sounds too sick and spoilt. Starting a normal conversation with them is even a problem talk more of asking them out. Gosh, I’ll literally pee in my pants.

So here is what I did in a bid to break my gynephobic bars. I asked my best friend, Neil, to help me out.” I don’t know how you want to do it, but just do something”, I said. He understood me better than anyone else I know, including my parents. It turned out, Neil became my ‘go-between’; connecting me with girls of different classes. I’ve screwed my chances a couple times but there was one remarkable experience I’d never forget. It was my most recent shot (courtesy of Neil, of course).

As usual, we’d gone to the weekend night club of Orientals. The environment was thick as strands of smoke flamed out from the darker side of the hall where the ‘bad guys’ hangout. The DJ was crazily doing his thing and everyone was apparently lost in the euphoria of the moment. At first, I took to a sit, crossed my legs and was helping myself with a half filled glass of Champaign.

I was feeling like the ‘it’ dude in the block with my tuxedo flipped across my shoulder when suddenly, my greatest fear came starring at me. I never foresaw this. You know that have-you-met-my-friend kind of introduction? That was how Neil came to me with Ivy. I wished I could initiate an earthquake and just dive in. Especially with my weird attributes, I felt there was something I could do instantly but my creative genius was nowhere to be found.

What do I say to Ivy? How do I say what I want to say? Where questions that deeply troubled my soul while I still sat there like a jerk. She tried introducing herself when she felt I wasn’t ready to talk but my hands were shaking and I was literally fidgeting as I stood.

I took a second gaze at her and lost the grip over my glass of Champaign. Now the worst has happened. I gulped the last saliva left in my mouth and as though I wanted to vomit, I ran to use the convenience. My my… that was the brightest idea I could imagine. But it never saved me.

Ivy was the caring type so she wanted to make sure this awkward dude was fine. She followed me out but had to wait at the door of the convenience. Very often, I’d hear her call out if I’m OK. Then I knew I was in real shit. I couldn’t come out. I only managed to tell her, once, that I was fine. I even asked her to go and leave me alone.

After about 10 minutes, I thought she’d gone. I arranged myself again, this time I had to wear my tuxedo. I made sure I tried out my carriage via the mirror to be certain no one notices what was wrong with me, raised my shoulder high and majestically walked out the door.

As my head came out, I saw the last thing I remembered that night; 5 elegantly gorgeous girls including Ivy (I guess they were her friends) waiting to see that dude that ran into the convenience. The moment they saw me, as though planned, they all chorused “Oh my God…are you OK?”

I couldn’t face one, how on earth will I face five?

I stood there numb, dumb, and frozen.


© 2014 Michael Agene

Disclaimer:

This is a work of fiction. While reference might be made to actual historical events or existing locations, the names, characters, places and incidents are either the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, business establishments, events, or locales is entirely coincidental.

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