IMITATION OF CHRIST
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his banker and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled, and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the banker and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness, and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the banker said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?”
The old preacher mustered up his strength and then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I want to go.”
The new minister’s wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family. The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it. When the next child arrived, the minister appealed and again the congregation approved the increase. Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expenses. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood up and shouted “Having children is an Act of God!” An older man in the back stood and shouted back “So are rain and snow, but we wear rubbers for them!”
THE SUNDAY JOKE
A married man goes to confession and says to the priest, ‘’Father, I had an affair with a woman…. almost.’’
‘’What do you mean ‘almost’?’’ asks the priest.
‘’Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.’’
‘’Rubbing together is the same as putting it in,’’ explains the priest. ‘’You’re not to go near that woman again. Now, say five Hail Mary’s and put fifty dollars in the poor box.’’
The man leaves the confessional, says his prayers, and walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then decides to leave. The priest quickly runs over to the man and exclaims, ‘’I saw that! You didn’t put any money in the poor box!’’
‘’Well, Father, I rubbed up against it and, like you said, it’s the same as putting it in!’’