HOLY HUMOUR
J.C AND THE BOYS
The new priest was so nervous at his first mass that he could hardly speak. Before his second appearance in the pulpit, he asked the Monsignor, “How can I relax?” The Monsignor said, “Next Sunday it may help if you put some vodka in the water pitcher. After a few sips, everything should go smoothly.”
The next Sunday the new priest put the suggestion into practice and was able to talk up a storm. He felt great!
However, upon returning to the rectory, he found a note from the Monsignor:
- Next time sip rather than gulp.
- There are Ten Commandments, not twelve.
- There are twelve disciples, not ten.
- We do not refer to the cross as the “Big T”.
- We do not refer to the Virgin Mary as “Mary with a cherry”
- We do not refer to the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as “Daddy-O, Junior, and Casper”.
- The recommended grace before meals is not, “Rub a dub dub, thanks for the grub, yeeeeaaaaaa God!”
- David slew Goliath, but he did not kick the crap out of him.
- Last but not least, do not refer to our savior Jesus Christ and his apostles as J. C. and the Boys.
SLEEP WALKER
“I hope you didn’t take it personally, Reverend,” an embarrassed woman said after a church service, “when my husband walked out during your sermon.”
“I did find it rather disconcerting,” the preacher replied.
“It’s not a reflection on you, sir,” insisted the churchgoer. “Ralph has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child.”
THE SUNDAY JOKE
HARD TO COME BY
A lawyer and a Pope die at the same time and go up to heaven together. After they’ve been there awhile, the Pope notices that the lawyer gets a little better treatment than he does. So he calls St. Peter over to ask him why.
The Pope says, “You know that lawyer I came up here with? Well, I’m not complaining, but he seems to be treated a little better than I am … he’s got a better house and more servants. I don’t understand. I was a Pope and served God all my life; this guy was just a lawyer. What gives?”
St. Peter responded, “You have to understand – we get Popes all the time; this is the first lawyer we’ve ever had.”