It’s easy to distract fat people. It’s a piece of cake. – Chris Addison
Dozen anybody want to let me in?
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: What do you call a boy who finally stood up to the bullies?
WISE GUY: An ambulance.
TEACHER AND STUDENT
TEACHER: Can someone tell me what the ‘status quo’ is?
STUDENT: “That’s a fancy name for the mess most of us are in.
On his first visit to a girl’s house, a guy waited in the living room while she prepared a snack in the kitchen.
Left alone, he noticed a small, attractive vase on the mantelpiece. He picked it up and was looking at it when the girl walked back in. “What’s this?” he asked.
“Oh, my father’s ashes are in there,” she said.
“Oh! I’m so sorry…”
“Yeah, he’s too lazy to go to the kitchen and get an ashtray.”
Hollywood. A place where it is difficult to separate fact from fiction.
And when it comes to marriage vows, instead of saying “I do,” they say, “I’ll try.”
I hear there’s a new app called “Sense of Humour,” – download it.
BUSINESS JOKE: WHO’S INSOLVENT?
A client comes to a bank: My cheque was returned with a remark: “Insufficient funds”. I’d like to know whether it refers to the Bank or my account?
THE DOG THAT TALKED TOO MUCH.
A teenaged boy went off to university, but about a third of the way through the semester, he had foolishly squandered the money his parents had given him. Desperate to get more money out of his father, he came up with a cunning plan.
Phoning home one weekend, he said: “Dad, you won’t believe the educational opportunities that are available at this university! Why, they’ve even got a course here that will teach Bingo how to talk!”
“That’s incredible!” said the gullible father. “How do I enroll him on the course?”
“Just send him down here with N150, 000, and I’ll make sure he gets on the course.”
So the father sent the dog the N150, 000, but about two-thirds of the way through the semester, that money had also run out. The boy called his father again.
“How’s Bingo doing?” asked the father.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking brilliantly. But you just won’t believe this, they’ve had such a great results with the talking dogs course that they’re starting up a new one to teach the animals how to read!”
“Read?” echoed his father. “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him on that course?”
“Just send N250, 000. I’ll get him on the course.”
His father duly sent the money, but at the end of the semester, the boy was faced with a problem: how to conceal from his father the fact that the dog could neither talk nor read. So the boy decided to take drastic action and shot the dog. When he arrived home, his father was waiting expectantly.
“Where’s Bingo?” asked the father. “I just can’t wait to hear him talk or listen to him reading something.”
“Dad,” said the boy solemnly, “I’ve got some bad news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Bingo was in the living room reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then suddenly he turned to me and asked: “So, is your Dad still messing around with that black beauty at number 50?”
The Dad was besides himself with rage and he shouted: “I hope you shot that lying dog!”
“I sure did, Dad.”
“That’s my boy!”
FUNNY COURT TRANSCRIPT
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.