“A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.” – Steven Wright
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: Where can you find a good lawyer?
WISE GUY: In the cemetery.
TRADE BY BATTER
Demola was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury acquitted him. Later that day Demola came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.
“Your honor,” he said, “I want to get out a warrant for my dirty lawyer.”
“Why?” asked the judge. “He won your acquittal. Why do you want to arrest him?”
“Well, your honor,” replied Demola, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”
“I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.” -Woody Allen
REALITIES OF MARRIAGE
“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”
“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”
“I know all that.”
“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”
“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”