A friend of mine wrote a book called How to Attract Men. Her main advice is to be naked and have a bar by your bed.
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: What is the difference between a girlfriend, a call girl and a wife?
WISE GUY: Post paid, pre paid, unlimited.
TEACHER AND STUDENT
The teacher asks Jimmy:
Teacher: “Jimmy, why aren’t you writing?”
Jimmy: “I don’t has a pencil.”
Teacher: “Jimmy, that’s not a correct sentence. The correct way is: I don’t have a pencil; he doesn’t have a pencil; we don’t have a pencil.”
Jimmy: “Who stole all the pencils then?”
ON A RAINY DAY
A woman was having an affair while her husband was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband’s car pull into the driveway.
“Oh My God – Hurry! Grab your clothes,” – she yelled to her lover. “And jump out the window. My husband’s home early!”
“I can’t jump out the window!” – came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. “It’s raining out there!”
“If my husband catches us in here, he’ll kill us both!” – she replied. “He’s got a very quick temper and has a revolver! The rain is the least of your problems!”
So the boyfriend jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town’s annual marathon. He started running along beside the others about 500 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to “blend in” as best he could.
It wasn’t that effective! After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer. “Do you always run in the nude?” one asked.
“Oh yes” he replied, gasping in air. “It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you’re running.”
Another runner moved alongside. “Do you always run carrying your clothes under your arm?”
“Oh, yes” lover boy answered breathlessly. “That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!”
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. “Do you always wear a condom when you run?”
“Only if it’s raining.”
NOW YOU GET IT.
An 90-year old man walks into the doctor’s office for his regular check-up.
The doctor says to him, “Hello Mr. Nwoke, how are you feeling?”
“Great,” says the old man. “I have an 18-year old wife, and she’s pregnant with my child.”
The doctor gives a concerned look and says to Nwoke, “Mr Nwoke, let me tell you a story. See, I have this hunter friend and one early morning, he goes out hunting, but is in such a hurry that he grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So, as he is hunting, he spots an antelope. He aims at the antelope with his umbrella and shoots at it. Bam! The antelope falls dead to the ground.”
“What?!” cries the old man. “Why? that’s impossible! Someone else must have shot the antelope.”
“Exactly!” says the doctor.
“Your talent for compounding disaster is really impressive”
0 to 200
Bola forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds. AND IT BETTER BE THERE!”
The next morning when his wife woke up she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.