LAZY MAN’S DICTUUM
I’ll do it! But tomorrow…
At New York’s Kennedy airport today, a man later discovered to be a schoolteacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a protractor, a T-square, a slide rule, and a calculator. At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. The FBI is charging him with carrying weapons of math instruction. “Al-gebra is a fearsome cult,”, Ashcroft said. “They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use secret code names like “x” and “y” and refer to themselves as “unknowns”, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. “As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, there are 3 sides to every triangle,” he declared.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, “If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes. I am gratified that our government has given us a sine that it is intent on protracting us from these math-dogs who are willing to disintegrate us with calculus disregard. Murky statisticians love to inflict plane on every sphere of influence,” the President said, adding: “Under the circumferences, we must differentiate their root, make our point, and draw the line.” President Bush warned, “These weapons of math instruction have the potential to decimal everything in their math on a scale never before seen unless we become exponents of a Higher Power and begin to factor-in random facts of vertex.” Attorney General Ashcroft said, “As our Great Leader would say, read my ellipse.” Here is one principle he is uncertainty of: though they continue to multiply, their days are numbered as the hypotenuse tightens around their necks”
TAKEN FROM REAL COURT RECORDS
QUESTION: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
ANSWER: That’s me.
QUESTION: Were you present when that picture was taken?
A bloke walks into a library and says to the prim librarian, ”Excuse me Miss, do you have any books on suicide?”
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, “Get lost, you will not bring it back!”
A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?” The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, sir, you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl.
- The bouncer is a blonde gal.
- I’m a 6 feet tall, 200-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
- The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
- The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, “Nah … Not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”