Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask myself: “Where have I gone wrong?” Then an inner voice answers “This is going to take more than one night.” – Charles M Schulz
Will you remember me in 2 minutes?
Hey, you didn’t remember me!
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
WISE GUY: He wanted cold hard cash!
A little girl came home from school and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”
The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this … by the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”
The little girl replied, “My homework.”
A man carrying two huge suitcases to meet with a circus boss to apply for a job.
The boss asked: “What can you do?”
The man took out some big stones from one of the suitcases, threw the stones high in the air and used his head to catch the stones.
The boss nodded. “Great. What is in the other suitcase?”
“The 100% American is 99% idiot.” -George Bernard Shaw
A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour!”
MUrphy’s LESSER-KNOWN Laws
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
- Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
- If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.
- The things that come to those who wait will be the scraggly junk left by those who got there first.
- The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
- A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
- When you go into court, you are putting yourself into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out.