Eat well, stay fit and … die anyway!
What’s on TV tonight?
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: Why did the cross-eyed teacher lose her job?
WISE GUY: Because she couldn’t control her pupils?
TEACHER AND STUDENT
Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Student: I get up early!
Best Things to say if Caught Sleeping At Your Desk…
“They told me at the blood bank this might happen.”
“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described in that time management course you sent me.”
“Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”
“I wasn’t sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new paradigm.”
“I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance.”
“I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-related stress.”
“Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem.”
“The coffee machine is broken…”
“Someone must’ve put decaf in the wrong pot…”
” … in Jesus’ name. Amen.”
“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.” – Winston Churchill
A man and his wife were about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had a varied assortment of excuses.
“Happy anniversary Mum and Dad,” gushed son number one… “Sorry I’m running late… had an emergency, you know how it is, didn’t have time to get you both a present.”
“Not to worry,” said the Dad… “The important thing is that we’re all together today.”
Son number two arrived and announced, “You and Mum still look great, Dad. Just flew in from L A and didn’t have time to get you a present… sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” said the father, “Glad you were able to be here.”
Just then the daughter arrived, “Hello you both, happy anniversary! I’m sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing…. so I didn’t have time to get you guys anything.”
Again the father said, “I really don’t care, at least the five of us are together today.”
After they all finished dessert, the father put down his spoon and fork, looked up and said, “Listen you three, there’s something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. Well… your mother and I came to this country penniless and desperate. Despite this, we were able to raise each of you and send you to University. All through the years your mother and I knew that we loved each other very much but… we just never found the time to get married.”
“The three kids gasped and said, “You mean we’re BASTARDS?”
“Yep,” said the Dad….”AND CHEAP ONES TOO.”