Get your facts first and then you can distort them as much as you please. – Mark Twain
Orange you going to let me in?
WISE GUY’S ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: “What’s the difference between a guitar and a fish?”
WISE GUY: “You can’t tuna fish.”
TEACHER AND STUDENT
The first day of the school year – first lesson.
Teacher: Please sit quietly, if you want to ask something – raise your hand.
Jani immediately raises his hand.
Teacher: You want to ask something?
Jani: No. Just checking how the system works.
BEAUTY OF THE WALLET
Two actresses were talking when one noticed that the other was no longer wearing her huge diamond engagement ring.
“What happened?” she asked. “Is the wedding off?
“Yes,” replied her friend. “I saw him in his swimming trunks last week, and he looked so different without his wallet.”
MADE IN CHINA
The Great Wall is among 7 wonders of the world because it is the only Chinese product, which lasted for more than 4 weeks.
One morning a conservative businessman came to work wearing an earring in one ear. His shocked employees were teasing him and one of them asked:
“When did you start wearing an earring?”
“Since my wife found this one in my car,” the man replied
My, that’s a great-looking dress. Too bad they didn’t have your size.
An 18-year-old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, ‘who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!’ The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: ‘Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?’ At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, ‘You gonna try again.’
FUNNY COURT TRANSCRIPT
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?