by Charles O. Anyiam-Osigwe.
Barman: “You go home everyday dead drunk. Does your wife not complain?
Client: “In the state I’m in, I never notice”
1st Businessman: “Your secretary’s name is Jane, but you always call her “Anaesthetic”, why?”
2nd Businessman: “She always dull my senses, that’s why”
WHAT THE HELL?
Angry wife to husband:” Life with you has been hell!”
Husband: “How right you are-you devil, you!!”
OVERHEAD CONVERSATION: (One sweet young thing to another)-“ I did my best to play my cards right with that new man in my life, sadly, I lost him in the shuffle”
Young man: “They say – “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, is it true?
Old man (recently wed to a sweet sixteen): “From what wife concocts, I think she’s really going for my heart-to give me a heart attack and inherit my fortune”.
Boss: “If you don’t get your act together soon young man; I will have to get another man”
Young man: “That would be great sir, I do need a helping hand”.
NO SOCCER GAME
Man in a psychiatrist’s office:
Man: “Doc, I can’t concentrate on my work. I think of nothing but sex from morning till night”.
Doc: “Why? How come you have nothing but sex on your mind?”
Man: “I don’t get it in bed – The girls I know don’t want to play ball”
Doc: ‘You sure are dumb! Don’t you know that most women hate soccer?!”
FLY AWAY ‘PETER’
Man trying to chat up a cute girl at a party: ‘Hi honey. My name is Dejo and I do excellent bird impressions’.
Cute girl: O how nice! Now be a good bird and just fly away. Thanks’’.
BIT FOR BEAT
She: “Darling, do you love me with all your heart?’’
He: “Not quite dear. I need some of it to keep the blood circulating’’.
VALUE OF MONEY
Kid to his father: “Of course I know the value of one naira that is why I asked you for ten naira”.
DEAD AS A DODO
A gambler died. His professional colleagues gathered to give him a final send off. The preacher reading his eulogy said: “Our friend that we have gathered here today to honour is not dead, he sleeps peacefully.
Voice from back of congregation: ‘’Bet you five hundred bucks he’s as dead as a dodo’’.
IT’S A MIRACLE
Suitor: “Sir, your daughter Ngozi has just agreed to marry me”.
Father: “Surprise, surprise – Who said the age of miracles is over?
WOULD YOU SAY that thieves who made away with three thousand dollars’ worth of vacuum cleaners made a clean get away?!
THEN YOU MIGHT SAY that a man making a fortune selling brooms was having a clean sweep.
DID you read about the unemployed idiot who on reading a police poster saying “MAN WANTED FOR RAPE” applied for the job?
OF COURSE DARLING
Registrar: ‘’Any previous marriage?”
Film Actress: “Hey, are you kidding? Do I look unattractive?
Personnel Manageress: ‘’I know we are looking for a man with initiative, but making a pass at me within five minutes of this interview is not the sort of initiative we are looking for”
Young man lamenting to friend: “I’ve always been a credit to my family, now my father wants me to pay my own bills”.
YOU NAME IT.
“Look darling”, said the man to his wife – “I won’t call sleeping with my beautiful secretary adultery”. ‘’What will you call it? She screamed – “speedwriting?!, Shorthand?, what?!
“Dumb! That’s what I will call it – Dumb! ‘Cos I should stay awake doing the business’.