Relax And Laugh: No Soccer Game

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by Charles O. Anyiam-Osigwe.

CAN’T TELL

Barman: “You go home everyday dead drunk. Does your wife not complain?

Client: “In the state I’m in, I never notice”

 

HEADY

1st Businessman: “Your secretary’s name is Jane, but you always call her “Anaesthetic”, why?”

2nd Businessman: “She always dull my senses, that’s why”

 

WHAT THE HELL?

Angry wife to husband:” Life with you has been hell!”

Husband: “How right you are-you devil, you!!”

OVERHEAD CONVERSATION: (One sweet young thing to another)-“ I did my best to play my cards right with that new man in my life, sadly, I lost him in the shuffle”

 

FOOD ATTACK

Young man: “They say – “The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, is it true?

Old man (recently wed to a sweet sixteen): “From what wife concocts, I think she’s really going for my heart-to give me a heart attack and inherit my fortune”.

 

HELPING HAND

Boss: “If you don’t get your act together soon young man; I will have to get another man”

Young man: “That would be great sir, I do need a helping hand”.

 

NO SOCCER GAME

Man in a psychiatrist’s office:

Man: “Doc, I can’t concentrate on my work. I think of nothing but sex from morning till night”.

Doc: “Why? How come you have nothing but sex on your mind?”

Man: “I don’t get it in bed – The girls I know don’t want to play ball”

Doc: ‘You sure are dumb! Don’t you know that most women hate soccer?!”

 

FLY AWAY ‘PETER’

Man trying to chat up a cute girl at a party: ‘Hi honey. My name is Dejo and I do excellent bird impressions’.

Cute girl: O how nice! Now be a good bird and just fly away. Thanks’’.

BIT FOR BEAT

She: “Darling, do you love me with all your heart?’’

He: “Not quite dear. I need some of it to keep the blood circulating’’.

 

VALUE OF MONEY

Kid to his father: “Of course I know the value of one naira that is why I asked you for ten naira”.

 

DEAD AS A DODO

A gambler died. His professional colleagues gathered to give him a final send off. The preacher reading his eulogy said: “Our friend that we have gathered here today to honour is not dead, he sleeps peacefully.

Voice from back of congregation: ‘’Bet you five hundred bucks he’s as dead as a dodo’’.

 

IT’S A MIRACLE

Suitor: “Sir, your daughter Ngozi has just agreed to marry me”.

Father: “Surprise, surprise – Who said the age of miracles is over?

WOULD YOU SAY that thieves who made away with three thousand dollars’ worth of vacuum cleaners made a clean get away?!

THEN YOU MIGHT SAY that a man making a fortune selling brooms was having a clean sweep.

DID you read about the unemployed idiot who on reading a police poster saying “MAN WANTED FOR RAPE” applied for the job?

OF COURSE DARLING

Registrar: ‘’Any previous marriage?”

Film Actress: “Hey, are you kidding? Do I look unattractive?

FAST GUY

Personnel Manageress: ‘’I know we are looking for a man with initiative, but making a pass at me within five minutes of this interview is not the sort of initiative we are looking for”

PAY TIME

Young man lamenting to friend: “I’ve always been a credit to my family, now my father wants me to pay my own bills”.

YOU NAME IT.

“Look darling”, said the man to his wife – “I won’t call sleeping with my beautiful secretary adultery”. ‘’What will you call it? She screamed – “speedwriting?!, Shorthand?, what?!

“Dumb! That’s what I will call it – Dumb! ‘Cos I should stay awake doing the business’.  

 Image: Madamnoire.com

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