I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed.
PILE OF DUNG.
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them “Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in.”
So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out “Bananas!” and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out “Money!” and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he yells “Oh Shit!”
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
Question: Did you catch that fish?
Wise Guy: No, I was sitting here minding my own business when the crazy thing jumped into my pail.
A redhead named Pam is appearing on “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire” with Chris Tarrant.
Tarrant: “Pam, you’re up to £500,000 with one lifeline left: phone a friend. If you get it right, the next question is worth one million pounds. If you get it wrong, you drop back to £32,000. Are you ready?”
Tarrant: “Which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.”
Pam: “I’d like to phone a friend. I’d like to call Carol.”
Carol (a blonde) answers the phone: “Hello?”
Tarrant: “Hello Carol, it’s Chris Tarrant from Who Wants to be a Millionaire. I have your friend Pam here who needs your help to answer the one-million-dollar question. The next voice you hear will be Pam’s…”
Pam: “Carol, which of the following birds does not build its own nest? Is it A) robin, B) sparrow, C) cuckoo, or D) thrush.”
Carol: “Oh geez, Pam. That’s simple. It’s a cuckoo.”
Pam: “Are you sure?”
Carol: “I’m sure.” Tarrant: “Pam, you heard Carol. Do you keep the £500,000 or play for the million?”
Pam: “I want to play; I’ll go with C) cuckoo.”
Tarrant: “Is that your final answer?”
Pam: “Yes.” Tarrant: “Are you confident?” Pam: “Yes; I think Carol’s pretty smart.”
Regis: “You said C) cuckoo, and you’re right! Congratulations, you have just won one million dollars!”
To celebrate, Pam flies Carol to New York. That night they go out on the town. As they’re sipping champagne, Pam looks at Carol and asks her, “Tell me, how did you know that it was the cuckoo that does not build its own nest?”
Carol: “That’s easy, everybody knows they live in clocks.”
“The meek shall inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.”
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically,
“Relatives of yours?”
“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”