If the grass is greener in the other fellow’s garden, let him worry about mowing it. – Paddy Murray
Dwayne the bathtub, it’s overflowing!
WISE GUYS ANSWER TO STUPID QUESTION
QUESTION: What do lawyers wear to court?
WISE GUY: Lawsuits
TEACHER AND STUDENT
The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.
After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude are you able to show up at the appointed location …?”
After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone sir”
When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity. – Albert Einstein
HOURS USED UP
An accountant dies and arrives at heaven’s gate. St. Peter welcomes him and asks him a few quick questions.
ST. PETER: Profession?
ACCOUNTANT: An accountant
ST. PETER: “What sort of accountant were you?
ACCOUNTANT: Oh, I was a CPA.
ST. PETER: Name?
The accountant gives his name and St. Peter finds his file. “Oh yes, we’ve been expecting you. You’ve reached your allotted time span.”
ACCOUNTANT: I don’t get it. How can that be? I’m only 47 years old.
St. Peter looks again at the file and says, “Well, that’s impossible.” “Why do you say that?” asks the accountant. “Well,” says St. Peter, “we’ve been looking over your time sheets and the hours you’ve charged your clients. By our reckoning, you must be at least 90 years old!”
ON A ROLL
3 men died and went up to heaven. The guy at the gate said “The better you were to your wife, the better kind of car you’ll get.”
The first guy was very loyal to his wife and got a Ferrari. The second man fought with his wife so he got a broken down car. The last guy cheated on his wife dozens of times so he got a scooter.
One day the guy on the scooter saw the guy in the Ferrari crying. He asked him, “Why are you crying?”
He answered, “I just saw my wife on roller skates.”
Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some people abuse the privilege. —Joseph Stalin
FUNNY COURT TRANSCRIPT
This is from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters.
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.