A few days ago, my friends and I were having some drinks in a bar when the conversation veered into the realm of contraception. One of us (Kola) seemed to be keeping his wife quite busy by having one kid a year- don’t laugh Fat Cat. He’s been married seven years and has seven children. As we teased him, a colleague fished out a photocopy of a document from his pocket.
“Hey, wait a minute,” he said. “I have something here which seems to be Kola’s problem. I came across it and photocopied it. This guy, like Kola, was having one child a year and wrote to his doctor to have himself made sterile. Here’s the text.
I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after having been married for seven years and having seven children, I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.
After getting married, I was advised to use the rhythm method. Despite trying the tango and the samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the cha-cha.
The doctor suggested using the safe period. At that time, we were living with in-laws and we had to wait three weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn’t work.
A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love while breast feeding, we would be all right. It was hardly best larger beer, but I did finish up with a clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy – but my wife was pregnant.
Another old wives tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse, this prevents pregnancy. After constant breast feeding (including my earlier attempts), my wife jumped up and down but finished with two black eyes and knocked herself unconscious.
I asked the chemist about the sheath. The chemist demonstrated how easy it is to use. So, I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which didn’t really surprise me as I failed to see how the durex stretch over the thumb as the chemist showed, can prevent babies.
She was then supplied with the coil, and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realized we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.
The Dutch cap came next. We were very pleased about this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but it did give my wife severe headache. We were given the largest size available, but it was still too tight across her forehead. Finally, we tried the pill, at first it kept falling out. Then we realized we were doing it wrong. My wife then started putting it between he knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her. This did work for a while until the night she dropped the pill. You must appreciate my problem. If this application is unsuccessful, I’ll have to resort to oral sex, but then just talking about it can never be a substitute for the real thing.”
You can imagine the fun we had at Kola’s expense. How can a Masters Degree holder be ignorant of contraceptives? One of us volunteered to accompany him to a family planning clinic to act as interpreter in pidgin English or vernacular so that he will be able to grasp the basics of contraceptive devices and how to use them. The volunteer said it was to be his little contributions towards World Population Control because it was the likes of Kola that the United Nations wanted to convince to leave their “scuds missiles” in their bunkers rather than firing away at random.
Well Fat Cat, you can well imagine Kola’s embarrassment and discomfort.
Tell you what, I really do think that in this day and age of high cost of living, people should take more cold showers rather than make more babies.