Dear Dorothy: My Husband Doesn’t Satisfy Me Sexually

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Dear Dorothy,

It was not on religious grounds, but on point of principle that I vowed to remain a virgin until I got married.  While most of my friends began engaging in various sexual activities in secondary school and university, I pledged to not do so till I was married.  It was hard to remain a virgin when everyone around me seemed to be enjoying the pleasures of sex.  I often imagined what it would be like when I had sex with my husband on our wedding night – how romantic, sensual and passionate it would be.

However, as we all know, real life never lives up to our fantasies. I have now been married for three years. The day I got married is still the happiest day of my life.  My husband, Kunle is the man of my dreams – I love and cherish him dearly. On our wedding night everything started out so perfectly, and I was so happy that I waited for that moment. But by the next morning, my first time can only be described as a comedy of awkward, uncomfortable and forgettable errors. I chalked it up to first time nerves—I mean it takes time to know your partner and find a rhythm, right?

I was anxious to get to the mind blowing, leg shaking, bed breaking, screaming for ……….sex my friends have told me about. But that never came. So after the first ten uneventful tries, I decided we may need a bit of assistance.  I spoke to Kunle about things I wanted to try and asked him about his desires as well; I dressed up in costumes; tried to be more spontaneous; we even watched adult movies together – nothing worked! We were half way through our first year of marriage and I still wasn’t happy with our sex life. It always felt so rushed or lazy, no passion, not enough kissing and I still hadn’t had an orgasm yet. I thought the issue might be me.

I bought a book and a vibrator with the hope that I will learn how to satisfy myself and then relay that information to my husband. My first orgasm with “Gosh” was amazing! I finally understood what was so great about sex and I wanted more, but with my hubby.  During one of our love making sessions I pulled out my new friend and suggested to Kunle that we add a little spice. Kunle stopped, and began screaming and cursing about how insulting I was being and then he proceeded to throw “Gosh” out of the window. I honestly did not know whether to be feel upset or feel guilty following my husband’s angry reaction. But, I was determined not to give up on us, so I planned a nice weekend getaway to Abuja for our one year anniversary where we could be alone and connect.

I thought the romantic setting and some time away from our usual routine and surroundings would spark something between us. Wrong!  The sex was worse! And has not gotten any better. So here we are. Three years into our marriage and I’m still not being satisfied sexually by my husband. In some ways I feel cheated, I did everything according to the “rules” yet it’s everyone else that’s able to have a satisfying sex life.  In other ways I feel crushed, I know sex isn’t everything in a marriage, but it is a huge part, and marriages have ended over things like this.  I don’t want my husband to look elsewhere for gratification and I don’t want to either, but how long can we go on unhappy in the bedroom?  I love my husband, truly I do, but I’m starting to question if I love him enough to put up with this for a lifetime. Marriage is supposed to be forever, till death do we part, but forever is a long time to live without good sex…

Please advise, I am at my wits end.

My Dear,

I think it is commendable you waited till you got married to engage in any sexual activity. Sexual experimentation outside a steady and committed relationship can be fraught with so many negative consequences, including the loss of respect for oneself and possible exposure to sexually transmitted diseases.

That said, I do agree that sex is important in a relationship, however love for one another should also be an important consideration in a relationship. I am sure you are familiar with the statement that love conquers all.  You love your husband and I am assuming he loves you in return, which is the reason you both decided to get married and spend the rest of your life together.

You and your husband are not yet in sync sexually and this is the crux of the matter. One thing you should bear in mind in seeking a solution to this issue is that most, if not all men are very sensitive to the issue of their sexual prowess. Most men also do not have a clue of how to go about satisfying the deep sexual needs of their partners. They do not realize that the tender caressing, touching, kissing, cuddling and extensive foreplay helps to heighten a woman’s sexual desire and leads to a sexually satisfying experience for her.

I am a firm believer that couples should be open to one another and talk frankly and intimately as to how they want to be loved in bed. Pick your time, tell him what you think he is doing right that pleases you and what you think he should do to help you gain satisfaction. When you are in bed together guide him on how you want to be touched and caressed. You may get a replacement for “gosh” and encourage him to incorporate “gosh” into the foreplay.

Persevere in the open and honest conversation with him even if at the beginning he is reluctant to engage.  Do not be tempted to stop this conversation, as this might lead to the breakdown of your marriage as you’ve alluded to.  Where there is a will, there is a way – so do not give up. I am sure that persistence will result in the relationship you desire to enjoy.

Good luck.

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