Dear Dorothy, I Feel Betrayed By His Fling

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I thought I was happily married for 15 years, so you can imagine what a rude shock it was for me to discover about a year ago that my husband was having an affair with one of his staff. He confessed it all, leaving me feeling insecure and devastated. I decided to not give up on the marriage. But, when my husband and I make love, I can’t relax; my mind is tortured as I keep wondering if his ex-girlfriend was better at love making than me. I have not confided in anyone about the problems within my marriage, and my husband finds it difficult to discuss any of these problems with me. Dorothy please I need your advice on how I can overcome the problems I am facing in my marriage.

My dear,

Instead of bottling up your feelings and trying to deal with them unsuccessfully, it might help if you can confide in someone you trust the problems you are currently facing in your marriage. You may consider your mother if she is close to you or a reliable friend. You may also seek for the services of a therapist. Sharing your experience with others will help you put this unpleasant experience in perspective, and also help you take on board other people’s reactions to your problem. You will begin to realise this is by no means a unique situation. Other women have had to cope with infidelity.  At the very least you might see that just because your husband had an affair, it does not make you a bad lover.

A partner’s infidelity can, and sometimes, does lead to the betrayed party’s loss of confidence in their sexual security leading to questions and anxieties as to the reasons why their partner sought comfort in another person’s arms. It may also be a good idea to confront your husband with your insecurity telling him that because of his infidelity, he has damaged your confidence as a woman and made you doubt whether you are still attractive. The consequence of this is that you no longer find it easy to let yourself go when you are in his arms, which is essential for an orgasm. This is a healthy discussion to have with your husband, and hopefully he can then begin to give you effective reassurances. 

Good luck.

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